Well, here it is! This is the movie I'm going to review.
Can you believe it? This was made in the year 2008. THIS YEAR! It's a sequel to the 2005 movie, which was already pretty bad.
Can you believe it? This was made in the year 2008. THIS YEAR! It's a sequel to the 2005 movie, which was already pretty bad.
Tagline: "This time, we fight back."
Wait, what? "This time"? So last time, we just sat on our asses and let it happen? No, I seem to recall almost the entire US army rushing out to attack the tripods, things blowing up left and right, and some random guy played by Tom Cruise working up the balls to blast one of the aliens from the inside with a belt of live grenades. News flash: That's fighting back!
Description: "Two years after the martian invasion, George Herbert's worst fears are realized: They have returned.As a second wave of Martian walkers lay waste to what's left of the Earth, an alliance of military forces prepares a daring attack on the Red Planet itself. Once again, the future of Mankind hangs in the balance."
Description: "Two years after the martian invasion, George Herbert's worst fears are realized: They have returned.As a second wave of Martian walkers lay waste to what's left of the Earth, an alliance of military forces prepares a daring attack on the Red Planet itself. Once again, the future of Mankind hangs in the balance."
STOP! TIME! Read that again! "An alliance of military forces prepares a daring attack on the Red Planet itself." Um.....how, exactly? It's 2008! The most recent Mars Rover took like, 5 years to make it to Mars! If you're planning on saving the world by flying up there to attack the aliens where they live, by the time you're halfway there, the'll have decimated Canada, Half of the US, Mexico, and Australia!
Starring: C. Thomas Howell (Who?) and Christopher "Kid" Reid (Again, who?) Okay, if you're gonna make a sequel to a bad Spielberg flick, at least cast someone who is SLIGHTLY well known.
Well, I haven't even put the DVD in my player, and already, I hate it.
Let's start the movie.
Okay, first, lets start with the previews. There is only one I would like to mention: Alien vs
Hunter. I swear to you. It looks like SH*T! The animation is like something you'd see in the '90s!
I'm putting this on my review list!
Okay, movie time.
It bgins by showing us who made this movie:
The Asylum Presents-
......(laughs uncontrollably) Okay, apparently inmates at an ASYLUM made this movie! Wow.
This is gonna be terrible. So we see what at first appears to be a recap of what happened last time. Blasts hit the bridges, and a tripod appears from behind a building. People run, and we see....a giant spider? WTF? This thing had 6 legs! Oh my god, I know what's happening. They're shoving us right into the middle of the action! Yup, sure enough, we see what looks like Jack Bauer in 20 years, then it shows us "War of the Worlds 2". No backstory, no recap, just: Aliens attack! People run! Old Jackie B's stay behind and look dramatically into the distance! Well, that is just.....nevermind. So, some guy who I assume is old Jackie B talks to us, saying no one had seen it coming. That astronamers had search the heavens, but had found no signs of extraterrestrial life. Well no duh! It's been 2 years since the last attack, according to the description! Also, didn't you think to check the most likely place for them to be: Mars?! What, you searched for a day or 2 then came home? Geez.
So we see JB walking around and observing the destruction. The Jefferson Memorial's been destroyed, and a giant boat the size of the Titanic is half sunk into a....lake?! Okaaaay.
Wait, according to old JB, he IS infact recapping. WHAT?! [B]WHAT?![/B] You mean to tell me that they recreated the tripods for the FLASHBACK?! AAAAAAAAA!
Wait, according to old JB, he IS infact recapping. WHAT?! [B]WHAT?![/B] You mean to tell me that they recreated the tripods for the FLASHBACK?! AAAAAAAAA!
So apparently, we're now 2 years later. We see a male Dakota Fanning lookalike (HA!) who is messing around with trucks on a deserted street. His mom collects some water. A hobo sleeps. MARTIANS FALL FROM THE SKY AND VAPORIZE DAKOTA FANNING LOOKALIKE AND HIS MOM! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?! Drunken hobo rushes out, sees the martians, and doesnothing. Suddenly, the deserted street is FILLED with running, screaming people. HALT! Movie, you are in violation of the Continuity laws! You have 5 more warnings before you are arrested. Drunken hobo says "NO!" kind of loudly, then shouts for his sister. The martians vaporize 3 people. Hobo and sister run to hide in his perfectly safe Tarp Tent. There, he pulls out a syringe. "IfI'm going down, I'm going down high!" Okay, he doesn't say that. Instead he takes some of his sister's blood....what the?.....then he stabs it into his leg.....what?....and empties it.......no comment except WHAT THE FLYING CRAP IS GOING ON?
He leaves, while the girl screams "NO! DON'T LEAVE ME!" He say's she'll be fine. Yes, cause Tarp Tents can REALLY take a beating. Then it cuts to the opening credits. Turns out the directer also is also the STAR. Now we see a fat version of Dakota Fanning lookalike who died a few minutes ago, except this time, he's a teen. He's woking out while listening to rock. I can only assume that this is JB's son, as JB walks in a few seconds later.Turns out JB is a real family man, as he works tonight, tommorow night, and every night. Hey, it's his birthday! JB opens his gift to find that his present is.....canned ravioli. His dad acts like this is the biggest gift in the world. Okay, we've now established that they're poor.
So....did we just forget about the martian attack that happened 2 minutes ago? Are we in a different time again? Are we someplace else? I honestly don't know. JB's looking through his telescope, when we hear a slithering noise. JB ignores it (smart) and goes back inside. His son's asleep. He picks him up and takes him to bed. Yes, you read that right. He picks up his TEENAGER son, and puts him in bed. If my dad did that to me, I'd kill him. We cut to the next morning, and the radio is making some weird staticy noises. JB seems to find this totally unusual. Apparently, he finds the idea of technical difficulties less likely than martian attack. He tells his son to go into the safety room. He gives his son his old fashioned watch and tells him to set the alarm for 8 hours. Those things have alarms? Then he drives off. He drives to a free forces base and lab. We then learn that EVERYONE IN THE ROOM HAS A BAD ACCENT! JB: British. Scientist Girl: Old West. Scientist Guy: French. All of these accents are terrible. So anyway, JB talks about how he found a wormhole next to Earth. May I ask why he's waiting till NOW to tell them this? Apparently, the reason why we never saw the first invasion coming was because of this wormhole. It allows travel from here to Mars in a nanosecond. Wow. Apparently, he's assuming this based on, get this: His radio's static! What?!
We are shown the girl that started the virus that killed the martians the first time. You mean the common cold, influenza, and ear infections? KILL THAT BITCH! Sorry....but according to this, she opened Pandora's Box, as according to scientest guy, she created the virus that killed the martians. Well, we are then shown a fleet of ships implemented with the alien technology, but can't fly. Sad. Then we are shown one of the tripods. It's apparently dead. As in, it was once alive. Cyberbiology. (Head explodes) So anyway, they go inside the thing and find Scientest Girl, who says that she found a transmitter, fed the radio static into it, then turned it on. Immediatly. the ships turn on and hover. HALT! Continuity Violation! How did you do all that in less than 3 minutes? 4 violations remaining. I just realized. I'm only 15 MINUTES IN! I'm a 5th of the way into the movie, and I'm totally lost. Here's what I have so far. 2 years ago, aliens came through a worm hole and killed us. Then they died from our germs. Then 2 years later, thay came again. Then some guy discovered the worm hole through a radio. Then they....I'm lost.
So anyway, JB drives home while really dramatic music plays. His truck runs out of gas. We see his son playing an....Atari Lynx? What the?....that's like 15 years old! Anyway, JB goes up to some weird fat guy selling gas. He gives him 4 food coupons. Fat guy gives him 3 gallons of gas. We cut back to his son, who hears some vibrations and calls for his dad. He goes upstairs, only to be vaporized by a martian. Damn! JB gives us one of the most emotionless sad scenes I've ever seen. Wait a minute, he just said the F word! He says that he will find his son at all costs. Um....dude....he's dust. Anyway, he drives around, literally looking out the window every which way, looking for his son. We see him sleeping in his truck, when suddenly a wide eyed druggie runs up, looking like he could sh*t himself with fear. He shouts "Get the F**k outta here!". A tripod comes around the corner. JB starts shouting "What are you waiting for?!" and shoots it with the gun he suddenly as. Druggie looks at him like he's crazy. JB is zapped by the tripod. Druggie runs. We see JB....wait....I thought he was dead....oh. Turns out that, contrary to the FIRST film, the martians zapping you doesn't mean disintegration, it means capture into their insides. Huh. And here I thought that they had to actually capture the humans and put them intocages to do that! JB is trapped, with William Shatner, some girl, and Druggie, who I will now refer to as Whitie, as he tries to speak like a gangster. The aliens then take off in a way that suggests they just rewound the footage of their first arrival. Suddenley, smoke blasts from the walls, and the whole place suddenly turns into a Mushroom Kingdom, from the live action Mario Bros. Suddenly, they are enveloped by....whoa. I'm not saying what THAT looked like. There are chewing sounds. Are they dead? I don't know. They cut to the free forces base. Apparently, the marshall guy is gonna fly the planes that can't fly more than 150 kilometers into space with the virus in a missle and destroy the mothership. We then cut back to the martian thing, where....OH DEAR GOD! TENTACLE.....um......assault. We then see the mothership. It looks like a floating turd. With little ships flying out of it. The Scientest Girl explains that sonic booms signify the martians entering our atmosphere. Sonic Booms then occur. Uh-oh.....We cut to everything being destroyed. Hey, for those of you who watch special features, you know how they start specialeffects without much color? That's exactly what this attack looks like. So the martians go around destroying France and....the ghetto place. All this time, I'm wondering, what happened to the hobo guy in the beginning? He just disappeared. Major Guy gives a motivational speech, and they blast off. The martians land again. In the exact same place they did last time. Hmmm.....reuse footage, much? The alien ships are flying around the base. We cut to JB, who is still being orally....assaulted.....by the alien. That one girl walksup to him, tears the alien's.....assaulter.....out of his mouth, and says "C'mon man." 3 times. She then releases the
other guys. JB took about 30 seconds to release. The others? 2 seconds. Hmmm....
JB calls for his son. Dude, what are the odds you're going to be zapped by the same tripod as your son? He finds Druggie still being....assaulted.....and frees him. "RUN!" screams that one girl, "And don't touch the walls!" she says as she grabs the wall. She is immediatly sucked in and eaten. Hmmm.....the aliens didn't do this before, why? They run, and other girl....HOLY HELL! She just randomly disappeared into thin air! One second she's there, then she's gone! (Head explodes)
Okay, so the immediate response from JB: "I think she wants us to follow her." What? What gave you that idea? JB and Druggie then jump into a wall, following her somehow. We cut to the base, where Scientest Girl is still trying to figure out the code to make the shields go up so that they won't die when the ships go through the atmosphere. Huh. Probably should have done that BEFORE the ships had taken off. The Major guy and his crew fly through a whole fleet of the alien ships, with ships surrounding them on all sides. His response? "We got bogies to our right." Your right. More like ALL AROUND YOU! The scientests say that satalites show at least a dozen bogies. Continuity Violation! There are hundreds of alien ships! 3 violations remain.
I'm going to stop right here. I don't want to know how this ends. I've already gone on for like....20,000 words. Geez. I've let this review go on to long. My other ones won't be quite as detailed, quite as nitpicky. But this movie deserved it.
